KING DIAMOND / The Spider's Lullabye (1995)

Unlike most of King's albums, Lullabye isn't one long tale. It's more akin to a collection of short horror stories, followed by a creepy novella. Lyrical themes include a haunting, sleepless nights, live burials (with a cameo from Missy!), eyeless children and, in the multi-part story, the dangers of succumbing to a phobia. There's plenty of drama and hilarity to please fans.
A few of the tracks sound like they were constructed from leftover parts of earlier albums, but even King's leftovers are of a high standard.
It's fair to say that most of it doesn't stray from the usual musical formula too much, but, really, would you want it to? He's the best at what he does.

Songs of Note: Six Feet Under; The Spider's Lullabye

3½ cold hands in the night out of 5

VARIOUS ARTISTS / Josie and the Pussycats: Music from the Motion Picture (2001)

It’s unfathomable how the stars aligned to make this possible. Kenneth ‘Babyface’ Edmonds was executive producer, Adam Schlesinger of Fountains of Wayne produced and wrote, and even the goddamn Duritz himself got a writing credit. Kay Hanley of Letters to Cleo brings Josie to effervescent life on tracks that offer empowerment without being self-righteous or needlessly heavy-handed. There’s an exquisite ballad but most of this is nothing more than unashamed power-pop. The covers make sense in context and the Du Jour tracks are priceless. Just as the movie itself was unafraid to dabble in intentional pussy humor, the fictional boy band brilliantly deliver a blatant ode to anal-penetration. 

A success on every level, even those exclusive to perverts like me.

Songs of Note: 3 Small Words; You Don’t See Me

5 STS-Worthy Ladies out of 5

EINSTÜRZENDE NEUBAUTEN / Silence is Sexy (2000)

The cushion soft, bassy tones of Blixa Bargeld are instantly recognisable. When paired with the calculated and orchestrated perfection of the rest of Einstürzende Neubauten, magic happens. Together they traverse borders and boundaries, fuelled by catchy rhythms and stirring percussion that toys with the silly, the serious, the terrifying and the beautiful. I suspect they'd be equally at home on Sesame Street as they would be breaking bread and debating determinism with the great philosophers. Belief in their own ability makes them strong. An experimental approach to music makes them special.

Songs of Note: Die Befindlichkeit des Landes; Total Eclipse of the Sun

5 golden memories out of 5

REVOLTING COCKS / Big Sexy Land (1986)

The Cocks' début album sounds dated now, but when put it into context, of the scene during the mid 80s, it was definitely treading new ground. I revisit it from time to time but not nearly as often as subsequent albums.
It's dominated by a combination of bass lines, samples and repetition of synthesized beats, a mix that they'd eventually put to better use some years later. I wouldn't recommend Big Sexy Land to anyone who isn't interested in the history of Industrial Dance/EBM, because that's solely where its limited charms lie.
Resident Cocks were Luc Van Acker, Richard 23 and Al Jourgensen.

Songs of Note: We Shall Cleanse the World; No Devotion

2½ refrained refrains out of 5

DIO / Lock Up the Wolves (1990)

I bought LUtW back in the day but sold it soon afterwards. I don't regret it, because it was on cassette, but the music disappointed almost as much as the format.
Being older now, hearing it again, I can appreciate the mature, retro thinking of RJD. He was attempting a departure, a move forward by looking back - not to his glory years, but to a bluesier, slower, heavy rock sound. There's nothing wrong with that ideal, but it didn't ignite my enthusiasm and it still doesn't today.
Ronnie's voice is as strong as ever, though. He could sing Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star and still sound like he belongs atop Mount Olympus.

Songs of Note: Lock Up The Wolves; My Eyes

3 cracks in the rainbow out of 5

FASTBALL / The Harsh Light of Day (1999)

The best one hit wonders are the ones who carry on as if nothing ever happened, confident in what they do, making no unnatural efforts to further garner fame. There’s a consistent, comfortable professionalism about Miles and Tony that has long sold their effortlessly thoughtful pop tunes. While I usually prefer Tony’s contributions to a notable degree, this album is heavy with Miles’ musings, which makes it all the more impressive in my eyes. Some songs are crafted to be obscenely catchy and impossible to ignore. Others are content to make you wistful or give you quiet pause. Even better than I remembered.

Songs of Note: Love is Expensive and Free; Whatever Gets You On

4 Deceptively Simple Pleasures out of 5

ALICE COOPER / School’s Out (1972)

The title track of the fifth studio album is one of Alice's best known anthems, appearing on dozens of those Best Ever Rock compilations that you find in people's cars.There's no denying its Rock and Roll credentials, but it's morally ambiguous, as is much of the remainder of the album. It's like a Broadway musical with James Dean in the lead, strutting his way through a school themed haze, a flick-knife in his back pocket and a sneer on his lips; fuck with him and he'll cut you, but let him pass and you can run home unharmed. Despite all its charm, it's not the AC album that I turn to when I want to be entertained.

Songs of Note: Luney Tune; My Stars

3 pairs of flammable undies out of 5

THE OFFSPRING / Conspiracy of One (2000)

I don’t know how the Offspring fandom or society at large feel about this album. That’s for the best as you’re going to get a completely uninfluenced opinion. A chunk of these songs feel surprisingly philosophical without ever falling into pretentiousness, and blunt without being crude or superficial. There’s an overall sense of jauntiness and fun that has been absent from all I've heard from them since. On paper, I wouldn’t think all of this would gel, but it does. It’s only enhanced by the art direction which I find to be spot on and crucial. Alan Forbes, Sean Evans, you rock. 

This is the only Offspring album I’ve ever been able to enjoy from front to back. It’s been the only one in my collection for quite a while, as a result.

Songs of Note: Want You Bad; Conspiracy of One (accompanying artwork)

3 (Not So) Secret Desires For Suicide Girls out of 5

SAY ANYTHING / Say Anything (2009)

Max has said aloud the darkest things I have ever thought. Not only on a few occasions, no, he brings them to light with almost every recorded breath. To say I’m embarrassed and ashamed of myself isn’t untrue but at the same time this is all undeniably part of who I was and consequently still am. Accepted, not embraced. This is Max’s most accomplished balancing act. Searing contempt meets harsh realizations. The most misogynistic song ever written stands literally beside the most sincere expression of love I have ever heard in song. Contradictions abound and last minute cries for mercy, release, reconciliation and understanding are issued repeatedly. This is me in album form.

Songs of Note: Eloise; Cemetery

5 Infected Band-Aids out of 5

SUGARCULT / Palm Trees and Power Lines (2004)

Natural Selection is a process that heartlessly and efficiently tidies up every sphere. This was released the same year as MCR’s Revenge and while I still find that album every bit as powerful as it originally was, I haven’t listened to this one in years. It’s clear that it’s repeatedly avoided the knife simply out of a sense of twisted nostalgia. I have been thoroughly reminded of just HOW insipid and deluded I was at the time. Tim and Marko are perfectly capable of punching out catchy clusters of power-chords and crooning with faux-sincerity when they absolutely have to, but I can’t abide these lyrics. No slick simile, no metaphor, I just cant.

Songs of Note: No.

0 Memories Worth Remembering out of 5

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE / Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge (2004)

Some people are never going to understand what Gerard Way et al. brought to the world. That isn’t an empty teenage retort. I’m over 30 for fucks sake. This was envisioned as a concept album but became fractured somewhere between thought and execution. The cracks were filled with raucous anthems and a smidgin of their own flavor of cabaret before being brought to life by impassioned screams. MCR were never content with delivering songs to keep you sobbing in the corner. They wanted you to rise up and kick life’s ass all the way across the ball room.

Those who get it know that it’s not just about what MCR brought to the world, but what they’ve kept in it.

Songs of Note: It's Not a Fashion Statement, It's a Fucking Deathwish; Cemetery Drive

4½ Forcibly Vacated Graves out of 5

FLUX OF PINK INDIANS / The Fucking Cunts Treat Us Like Pricks (1984)

The title and art are both clearly meant to offend, but not in a juvenile way. It's a direct, if obtuse, method of raising awareness for one of the themes explored on the album: the kind of abuse that goes on behind closed doors. It's also a noisy, feedback-infused, hate-filled attack on the kind of society that allows such activity to happen. When I say 'noisy,' I mean it. Even fans of traditional anarcho-punk may find the tumultuous compositions challenging or even deplorable.

Songs of Note: Hard Sell; Love Song

3 aggressors out of 5

YELLO / Flag (1988)

The funky Cuban rhythms and Electro oddness that was once daring and imaginative teeters on the brink of self-parody. There are nine tracks and three of them are variations of the same song. That's too much repetition, guys, even if you are having a laugh at your own expense some of the time.
There are some stand out tracks that you'll likely skip to each time, but they only serve to highlight how lacklustre the remainder of the album really is.

Songs of Note: Of Course I'm Lying; The Race

2½ car commercials out of 5

HELLOWEEN / Unarmed – Best of 25th Anniversary (2009)

Helloween celebrated their 25th year by re-recording some of their classics in an acoustic/symphonic style. The addition of piano works nicely, but my initial reaction was that the majority of the arrangements weren't particularly well-suited to the change. That is until I got to the seventeen minute Keeper's Trilogy (a medley of  Halloween, Keeper of the Seven Keys, and The King for a 1000 Years), which is aided by a seventy-piece Prague Symphony Orchestra and choir. When the strings and percussion kick in for real, when the choir soar and the cymbals crash, I began to think that YES, it was a damn good idea after all. But it doesn't last. Things begin to slump again afterwards. Curses. Still, it was fun while it lasted.

Songs of Note: The Keeper's Trilogy; A Tale That Wasn't Right

2½ withered pumpkins out of 5

ANASTASIA VRONSKI AND RICARDO ALRUCINI / The Groom is Still Waiting for the Bride at the Altar (2011)

One track lasting 23 minutes that never once feels like it's gone on too long. It reminds me of music designed to give atmosphere to tabletop RPGs, except it has some haunting and creepy spoken word throughout documenting the opening of the 6th seal, from the Revelation of John the Apostle.
The instrumentation is equally as unsettling. There's rattling chains, creaking protestations from ancient wood and ritualistic drums.
When the sky splits apart and the land moves, it turns to noise. It feels then as if the horrors it's documenting are happening right at your feet and you better not look down unless you want to be a part of them.

Songs of Note: The Groom is Still Waiting for the Bride at the Altar

5 falling stars out of 5